It is hard to understand why women and men differ so greatly about giving support. Usually, women are confused about the fact that they have to ask. Men are confused because they do not know why women are upset. I wrote a series about this topic in detail. To summarize, if we understand each other’s differences and behavior we can enrich our relationship to the next level. In this blog post, however, I will expose how men and women feel about asking for or giving aid. With that, you will understand, why you sometimes feel resentful, sad, not appreciated, and somehow lost. Here are the common mistakes and frequently asked questions about asking for support.
Common Mistakes about Asking for Support
As mentioned in Part 1: The Secrets to asking a man for help, using ‘would’ instead of ‘could’ can make a huge difference. In other words, the hardest part of learning to ask is remembering how to do it. Try using the ‘would’ word whenever possible. It will take a lot of practice tho. To ask a man for support:
- Be direct
- Be brief
- Use ‘would you’ or ‘will you‘ phrases
It is best not to be indirect, lengthy, or to employ phrases such as could you or can you. Let’s watch at some examples:
|Do say||Don’t say|
|“Would you empty the trash?”||“This kitchen is a mess. It really stinks. I can’t fit anything else into the trash bag. It needs to be emptied. Could you do it?”
(This is too long and uses could)
|“Would you bring the groceries in from the car?”||“I have four bags of groceries left in the car. And I need that food to make dinner. Could you bring them in?”
(This is too long, indirect, and uses could)
|“Would you please put this away for me?”||“I can’t put all of this away.”
(This is an indirect message)
|“Would you help Lauren put on her shoes?”||“Lauren still hasn’t put on her shoes! We are late. I can’t do this all by myself! Could you help?”
(This is too long, indirect, sounds like an insult, and uses could)
|“Would you take me to a movie this week?”||“Do you want to go to a movie this week?”
(This is too indirect)
As you noticed by now, what you think has been asking is not asking men. They hear something completely different. Moreover, if you keep your request indirect and long, it sounds like an insult. As a guy myself, I would hear that I am not enough for her. For example, it feels like I failed her. In other words, I don’t feel like I deserve her. How could I when I can’t even see what she needs? Because these requests sound like disapproval of me as her partner.
As you can see, the way you ask is most important in the way your partner looks at himself. But with a proper question, you can turn it around and make him feel more worthy.
Common Questions about Asking for Support
Understanding the common mistakes of asking for support is always the most difficult. Therefore, to make it easier for you to understand, I have some answers to common questions. Thus, it will give you clues to both the objections and resistance that women may have.
A woman might feel, Why should I have to ask him when I don’t require him to ask me?
Remember that men are different from women. By accepting and working with his differences you will get what you need. However, if you try to change him, he will stubbornly resist. Furthermore, asking what you want, doesn’t mean that you give up for who you are. Asking for help does not mean you are weak in the slightest. Quite the opposite, it shows him how much you care and appreciate him. With time, he will offer support without being asked. But this happens only if you start with asking him.
A woman may feel, Why should I appreciate what he does when I am doing more?
First, men give less if they feel not appreciated. Therefore, if you want more, he needs to feel more appreciated. For example, do not take him for granted is a good first step to take. Also, if you give more, it is hard to appreciate him. Consequently, start to give less and you automatically appreciate him more. Not only do you make him feel loved, but you will also get the support you need and deserve.
A woman may feel, If I have to ask him for support, he may think he is doing me a favor.
This is how he should feel. Because a gift of love is a favor. When a man feels he is doing you a favor, he is then giving from his heart. Also, men do not keep score about this small stuff. Remember, if he feels that he is obligated to give, his heart closes and he gives less.
A woman may feel, If he loves me he should just offer his support, I shouldn’t have to ask.
Remember men are emotionally dense. They have no idea what you need. Therefore, they wait to be asked. By accepting this difference, he will be much more willing to support you, and gradually he will begin to offer his support.
A woman may feel If I have to ask for things he will think I am not giving as much as he is. I am afraid – he may feel like he doesn’t have to give me more!
A man is more generous when he feels as though he doesn’t have to give. In addition, when a man hears a woman asking for support, what he also hears is that she feels entitled to that support. He never assumes she has given less. Quite the opposite, he assumes she must be giving more or at least as much as he is, and that is why she feels good about asking.
A woman may feel, When I ask for support, I am afraid to be brief. I want to explain why I need his help. I don’t want to appear demanding.
When a man hears a request from his partner, he trusts she has good reasons for asking. However, if she gives him a lot of reasons why he should fulfill her request. He feels as he has no choice and therefore feels manipulated or taken for granted. Let him give you a gift instead of taking his support for granted.
Summary – Common Mistakes about Asking for Support
These common mistakes and faq are just the surface. To understand the profound topic, you have to read my 3-Step-Series of how to get any support you deserve.
First, Step 1: The Secrets to asking a man for help. Here we discover the difference in why men are want to be asked for support.
Second, Step 2: Why ask for support even when he declines?. Ever felt that he has no power to do something? Ask him anyway and learn why this will improve your relationship.
Third, Step 3: Convince men to give you support at any time. The final step shows you how you can get every support at any time. Use with caution!
Source: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray
This post talks about the average woman and man. It does not intend to generalize everyone.