Asking for support is always a difficult topic, especially for women I realized. Men are simpler in this situation. If they need something they just ask without any hard feelings behind it. Otherwise, women are living the philosophy: Love is never having to ask. You can read it in the previous post: Why ask men for support at all more in detail. To summarize, women have it more difficult to deal with the men’s mindset. But fear not. This blog series will teach you step-by-step how you get anything you ask for. In this blog post, we discuss Step 2: Why ask for support even when he declines it.
What all men want
Men are actually really simple. We just want to feel appreciated. In other words, we want to be the hero or the knight. Any possible threat to it makes men unworthy and therefore, will love you less. This is an important fact. If you think twice, many fights emerge because of this.
Step 1 had the purpose to make you get used to asking for help. Just simply asking men for the things he is already doing. I also included some general tips and proper phrasing for you. With that, you should properly ask men.
Make him feel safe to say no
In Step 2, we are going a step further. I noticed women have better intuition. From my own experience with my female friends, they do not ask if they have the feeling he is declining a request. This is the wrong approach. Because here is a chance for you.
The second step is to make him realize that he can decline requests and also receive love. When he feels that he can say no when you ask for more, he will freely choose yes or no. On the outside, it looks logical. But in his head, he feels more appreciated. “A woman who does not make me feel bad when I say no? What a great woman!” This is the thought he will be thinking. I can guarantee that.
Men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.
Situations when to ask and what to say
It is important for you to learn how to ask and accept a ‘no’ for an answer.
For example, you ask him after he comes home from work:
“Would you pick salmon from the grocery store?”
We all can see that he will possibly say no.
His response: “I am in the middle of watching football. Can’t you do it?”
She may feel like saying: “Sure, I could do it. But I am always doing everything around here. I don’t like being your servant!”
Many of you might know this kind of situation. A fight breaks out. That is the reason why many do not bother to ask at all. Instead, you feel rejected. But men have no clue what is going on. Everything is happening in your head. Not asking is not the solution.
So, ask anyway. If you can sense that you will get a rejection, prepare yourself for the no and have a ready answer like OK. It is important to ask and then act as if it is perfectly OK for him to say no. Remember, you are making it safe for him to refuse. Only use this approach only for situations that are really OK if he says no. Here are some:
Examples:
| When to ask | What to say |
| He is working on something and you want him to pick up the kids. Normally you wouldn’t bother him, and so you do it yourself. | You say “Would you pick up {kid name}? If he says no, then graciously and simply say “OK.” |
| Normally, he comes home and expects you to make dinner. You want to make him dinner, but you never ask. Because you sense he resists cooking. | You say “Would you help me cut the potatoes?” or “Would you make dinner tonight?” If he says no, then graciously and simply say “OK.” |
| He is very busy and preoccupied with an important project. You don’t want to distract him because you sense how focused he is, but you also want to talk with him. Normally you would sense is resistance and not ask for some time. | You say “Would you spend some time with me?” If he says no, then graciously and simply say “OK.” |
Step 2 Why ask for support even when he declines it
When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that. And therefore next time he will be much more willing to give. On the other hand, if you quietly sacrifice your needs and don’t ask, he won’t have any idea how many times he is needed. How could he know if you don’t ask?
When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give.
And this is the purpose of Step 2 making him feel appreciated even when he says no. Because next time he will more willing to say yes.
Summary – Why ask for support even when he declines
In step 1, we ask men for support for the things he is already giving. There are two reasons behind it. First, we practice how to properly ask for support. Remember the correct phrasing, timing, and tone of the question. And second, he will be used to being asked.
In step 2, we ask for support even when he declines. First, we will understand that rejection is fine and that we won’t make him feel bad for it. Second, he will realize that he has the freedom to say no. With that, he will offer more support in the future.
To summarize, we ask for support even when he declines has the purpose for Step 3. But Step 2 is one of the most important steps we need to understand. Because if you successfully execute step 2 it has benefits for both men and women. It is an essential step for your general communication as well.
In step 3, I will show you how we turn almost every no into a yes.
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This post talks about the average woman and man. It does not intend to generalize everyone.