Men are simple. If they need help they ask for support. Also, if someone needs their support they have to be asked. This general rule is common regardless of the status. In other words, you have to ask a man for support if you are his friend, family, or even his partner. Just because you are his wife, for example, does not mean he will give you his support freely. This is troublesome for many women, as I could observe. The following 4 parts blog series will give you an in-depth analysis of why and how to ask a man for help. In the next 4 blog posts, I will answer you: why you have to ask a man for help, how to get it without being rejected, tips, and the common mistakes you might make.
Love is never having to ask!
First of all, women make the mistake of thinking they do not have to ask for support. Because other than men, they intuitively feel the needs of others and give what they can. The more a woman is in love, the more she offers love. In other words, she automatically offers her love and support. That means that if you have to be asked for giving support, you fail as a partner or as a friend. Giving support is the basic task of having a good relationship. There is an unwritten rule among women: “Love is never having to ask!”
Why ask a man for help at all? If he is in love, he should give.
However, women mistakenly expect men to do the same. Because she uses the unwritten rule as her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer support without having to ask. And sometimes, women test men by purposefully not asking for support to see if he really loves them.
This approach to relationships with men does not work. Most men are emotionally dense. If you need support you have to ask for it. However, this can be confusing because if you ask a man for support in the wrong way he gets turned off. In addition, if you do not ask at all, you will receive little to no support.
You have to ask for support because he has no idea that you need support.
If a woman is not asking for support a man assumes he is giving enough.
An unfortunately too typical cycle…
At the beginning of a relationship, if a woman does not get the support she wants, she assumes that he is not giving any support because there is no more to give. As a result, she patiently and lovingly continues to give. In secret, she hopes that he will catch up and give her the support she deserves. However, he assumes that he does not have to give. Because if a woman does not ask, he assumes that he is giving enough for now. In addition, he does not know to repay her back with the same amount of support.
One day, she may ask for his support. But this time she has given so much more and feels so much resentment, that her request feels like a demand. Furthermore, many women will resent men because they have to ask for support. And even when he gave his support, she will resent that she had to ask. She feels: “If I have to ask, it does not count.”
Demands and resentments which are created by the different understanding of giving support from men and women are turn-offs for men. In addition, if men feel some kind of resentment or demand in her request, he will possibly deny her support. This pattern makes relationships with men very difficult for unaware women. Though this problem might seem to be unsolvable, it can be solved.
Step 1: Asking for what you are already getting
The first step in learning how to get more out of the relationships is to practice asking for what you are already getting. Become aware of what your partner is already doing for you. Especially the little things like opening the door, carrying boxes, fixing things, and cleaning up. The important part of step 1 is to begin asking him to do the little things that he is already doing. And show him that everything he does is not for granted. After finishing the task, give him a lot of appreciation.
When a man hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase your request, all he hears is that he is not giving enough. His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving.
Train him to become used to being asked without a demanding tone. At first, he might tend to say no to your request. But that should not be the reason to give up. Because with time, he feels appreciated and not taken for granted. As a result, he will want to respond positively to your request when he can. And maybe if you are lucky, he will offer his support on his own. But this is an advanced stage, do not expect that. Step 1, just ask him what he is already doing. This is the first step to properly ask him for support.
But there is another reason to do step 1. You need to be sure your asking can be heard and responded to.
The 5 Secrets to asking a man for help
There are 5 ways of how to properly ask a man for help. They are appropriate timing, non-demanding attitude, being brief, being direct, and using the correct wording.
1. Appropriate Timing
Do not ask him to do things when he is obviously doing it. If he is going to take out the trash, do not ask him: “Could you take out the trash?” This suggests that he is not able to do things on his own. When you understand the basic psyche of a guy, it hurts him. Timing is crucial. Also, do not expect him to respond when he is fully focused.
Remember a request is not a demand. It does not matter how you carefully choose your words. Because if he feels resentment or a demanding attitude from you, he will feel unappreciated. Therefore, he will say no.
3. Be Brief
Avoid making a list of reasons why he should help you. Expect that men are willing to do things without any expectations. Men are quite simple. If she asks us to do something, we just do it. Simply, we trust our partner. That’s it. The longer the list of explanations, the more he resists. Because a long explanation gives him the feeling that you do not trust him. Also, it strips away the freedom to give you the support. He also might feel guilty.
4. Be Direct
Many women assume that they asking a man for help when they are not. When a woman needs support she talks about the problem. But she has never asked him directly for support. However, she aspect him to offer support and ignores asking him directly.
An indirect request implies that he is taken for granted and unappreciated. Occasionally asking him indirectly is fine. But used often can lead to resentment. Here are some examples of how a man might understand:
|Brief and direct: What she should say||Indirect: What she should not say
||What he hears when she is indirect|
|“Would you take us out to eat tonight?”||“I have no time to make dinner tonight.”||“I have done so much, the least you could do is take us out tonight (dissatisfaction).|
|“Would you take me out this week?”||“We haven’t gone out in weeks.”||“You are neglecting me. I’m not getting what I need. You should take me out more often (resentment).|
|“Would you schedule some time to talk with me?”||“We need to talk.”||“It is your fault we don’t talk enough. You should talk with me more (blame).|
|“Would you bring in the mail?”||“The mail hasn’t been brought in.”||“You forgot to bring in the mail. You should remember (disapproval).|
5. Use Correct Wording
One of the most common mistakes by asking for support is the use of words like “can” and “could” instead of “will” and “would”. “Could you empty the trash?” is merely a question to gather information. “Would you empty the trash?” is a request. Many women use “could you” indirectly to imply a request. As mentioned before on point 4, indirect is a turn-off.
At some point in your relationship, you might hear these kinds of comments:
- Don’t nag me.
- Stop telling me what to do.
- I already know that.
- Don’t ask me things all the time.
- You don’t have to tell me.
I assume that you want to avoid these comments by asking politely. Therefore, you use “Could you…” questions. If I ask politely, it will help, right? Wrong. These comments translated means: “I don’t like the way you speak.”
What would you want to hear more?
- “Can you marry me?”
- “Will you marry me?”
I hope this example explains the big difference between “can” and “will”.
Summary – The Secrets to asking a man for help
To summarize, if you want to learn how to properly ask a man for help, consider these things.
1. Understand that men and women are not the same.
Most men are emotionally dull. That will increase the longer he is in a relationship if you do not let him in his cave or let him pull away from you. Basically, men do not offer their support without any reason. Therefore, he must be asked directly, or he sees an obvious purpose. I must say, men are reward-driven. Everything they do must have a result. It can be nice words, a favor, or sex. If you analyze it a bit further, you will see patterns as well. So, be reminded, men are different from women.
2. It’s about how you say it.
As we have talked it through, men differ extremely between “can” and “will”. Can-questions are seemed as indirect and demanding. And it will not change even when you choose better words. Will-questions are at this point the best choice. Because it is a direct request. It will have a great, positive effect on men. In addition, paired Will-questions with the other tips I gave you, you will do everything right.
3. Practice asking.
I can imagine how hard it will be for some women to ask for support. Because it is against their nature. However, if your partner is worth enough to do some effort, please do not be ashamed of working for it. I saw many relationships going down because one of them did not invest in the relationship. If you found one, please keep it alive. Therefore, start practicing asking him things he is already doing. Timing, a non-demanding attitude, Will-questions, and appreciation at the end are important!
To ask men for anything, the first step is to ask the thing he is already doing. With that, he is used to being asked and will not reject you. In the next post, we will talk about how we slowly make him say yes to support.
Note: The men and women mentioned in this blog are statistically the averages. Men and women are not meant to be generalized here.