Being nice has never been so widely spread before. At the end of most movies, being nice is the message. In other words, you can get far in life as long you are nice to people. Supporting each other and being selfless become the norm. Also, on social media, influencers are showing support to everyone. As a result, we live in a time when people become overly emphatic. However, some people are taking this message too far. Expecting that being nice will always bring you further than being “mean”. But life is not a fairytale. When you are nice it doesn’t mean good karma will come. Worse, you sacrifice your energy and time on the wrong things. Resulting in losing yourself. That is where being too nice harms your life. Being too nice will become a problem.
When being too nice becomes a problem
So, being too nice can be a problem. When you sacrifice your time to please everyone it means you feel responsible for how others feel. For example, you tend to agree in a fight even though you don’t. But you go to a great extent to avoid fights.
One of my friends had the problem of being too nice. He was starting a start-up with some of his friends. They talked about expanding their business in another district of Berlin. However, in this district, another friend of his already opened the same kind of business. He stood between his friend and his own success. Should he expand and grow his business? Or should he inform his friend of a new competitor? In the end, he chose to be nice. He didn’t want to hurt his friend in some way. So, he told him everything. His business partners weren’t happy about it. Because it violates the contract. In the end, he was kicked out of his business and lost 10,00 Euro. Being too nice cost him 10,000 Euro. Imagine that.
Why do we want to please everyone?
Being too nice comes from fear and rejection. Fear of conflict and rejection of ourselves.
Some people grew up with conflicts. In their childhood, parents and siblings were constantly fighting. At one point, they thought that if they could make them happy, everything will be ok. So, they started to put more effort into the happiness of others than themselves.
The other reason is rejection. Some people don’t feel needed or worthy in their life. It might come from a lack of love from their parents. So, they grew up unworthy of love. Only when they make their parents happy, they would receive acceptance and attachment. This behavior will transfer to adulthood. They have learned that only by pleasing people, they are worthy of love.
The problem with being too nice
Someone who is too nice is often overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with being careful about behaving right. What can I say and do so no one will feel bad? By only considering others, you will never consider yourself. Therefore, people who are too nice often forget themselves. Here are some problems with being too nice.
Your Assumptions aren’t always true
Being too nice always comes with a price. The price is your time and energy. The problem of being too nice happens when two want to act selflessly. For example, one acquaintance was nice to you. To repay the ‘debt’ you invited her to coffee. But honestly, you don’t want to. But something pushes you to do so. So, you invited her. You both meet up, but times went by so slowly. Instead of having a good time you show no genuine interest in each other. Conversations consist of polite and basic small talk.
You didn’t know that she also has no interest to meet up for coffee. But here as well she wants to be nice and forces herself to go. You both assumed that by going to the cafe you please another. But the truth is that your act of kindness is bothering each other. But no one has the courage to speak up.
The problem with being too nice #1: We assume that people want our generosity. Not realizing that this pushes the other into an uncomfortable dilemma. They are forced to be rude by declining the offer. Or they must endure an activity they don’t enjoy. The problem is that this isn’t an act of selflessness. It is rather a self-centered act. A way we prove ourselves that we are a good person. But it proves nothing.
It damages Relationships
Nice guys and girls always finish last. Especially in dating and relationships, they are always left behind. But what is wrong with being nice? Many people mistake being nice for being polite. Politeness is being nice with a boundary. In other words, you are nice to someone at the beginning. But it might end when the person is rude to you. On the other hand, being nice sees no difference. You are nice even when someone treated you badly. This is the definition of being too nice. This behavior will harm relationships. It shows that you have no dignity. People will lose interest and respect for you.
The problem with being too nice #2: When you exaggerate your kindness it will backfire. People don’t like people pleasers. Nice guys and girls are easily manipulable, they need constant attention and validation, and have no dignity. Traits no one wants to deal with
Losing sight of their values
Being too nice usually means you don’t invest in yourself. It means that you have never lived up to your full potential. Because you are busy with how other people feel. People who want to be liked, don’t want to be the best at something. Because they fear being held in elevated respect that makes other people feel bad. Or an attractive person is approaching you, but you denied. Because you don’t want to let your friend feel bad. Since your friend wasn’t approached first.
The problem with being too nice #3: You will stop behaving accordingly to your values if you are focused on being too nice. Quickly you will lose sight of doing what is right and try only to do what makes people happy. Just because being nice is more acceptable than being selfish, doesn’t mean it’s right.