Imagine you are seeing this guy. Not just an ordinary guy, he is really special to you. The chemistry is great, you have the same humor and you understand each other. After a couple of weeks, you guys meet more frequently. Without realizing it, you like him a lot. The worst part comes now. You start wondering if he is the right one. How much does he like me? Will he stay? Or is he just playing around? To know if he is the right one, we need to analyze his core. Because when we take the appearance away, it is quite simple what to look out for. Basically, we all just want a partner who supports us. The only question we have to answer is how to know he is the right one for you! Let’s dive in.
1. Do you have the same value?
Smalltalk is crucial for a potential relationship. If doing it right, this small aspect can be a game-changer. The sole purpose of Smalltalk is to find out the value of your partner. For example, if I ask someone what they do on a rainy Sunday afternoon, my goal is not to know their activity. Furthermore, I want to know what their value is. When you do not have to work on a Sunday and you most likely won’t leave your home, what will you do? And the answer to that shows me their character and their value.
When the answer is watching Netflix series until I pass out, well goodbye. This tells me, that this person most likely has no goals or intentions in life.
- No matter what, hitting the gym -> Ah, health is important to them
- Helping my siblings with their homework -> Ah, I see a family person.
- Meeting up with friends outside in the rain -> Ah, I see. Socializing and having friends are important.
- Working or studying -> Ah, I see. A career is important.
And depending on the answers you can find out more about a person’s value. This will be a long interview that will turn into a proper conversation. The goal is to find out the values and compare them with your own. Of course, you need to know what is important to you. And a tip, ask a lot of why-questions. “Why do you do this job?”, “You help your brother with his homework, why?”, “Why do you fight with your parents?”. This creates a conversation on an emotional basis.
How to know he is the right one?: #1 Check if you have the same values.
2. Do you have the same value priority?
It is not enough that you have the same values. You should have the same order of priority. For example, you date this guy. You have a lot in common. The chemistry just works and you love his presence, and he yours. You talk a lot and find out, that a career is really important to both of you. Especially for you. This value is your number one, and let’s say family is number two and personal enrichment is number three. To summarize, a career is your main focus. For this reason, seeing your guy wasting his potential career is a potential relationship-killer. Instead of, looking for a job, he wants to travel. Personal enrichment is more important than a career.
As a result, a conflict emerges. Why? Because you may have the same values but the values are prioritized differently. When the adventure is his number one priority, and career his priority number four, he will always prefer any kind of activity linked to adventure over a career. And this does not match with someone whose number one value is a career. Conflict will always occur. And this is one of the reasons, why many couples argue so much. It isn’t just about understanding each other, it is about different values and their priority. Arguing is just the visible component that two values are on a different priority levels.
How to know he is the right one?: #2 Check if you have the same values with the same priority.
3. Do you have the same value standard?
In addition to the previous sub-chapter, the standard of how highly you want to achieve this value is important, too. Let’s claim both of you value adventure with the same importance and priority. One’s partner’s idea of adventure is to climb Mount Everest, while their partner is to try a new restaurant. They share the core value but their standard for adventure is different. To make it more complicated, someone can claim that value is important to them, but not necessarily live by it.
For example, I was the kind of guy who admires the value of freedom but never really lives it. This started 5-6 years ago. I reflect on myself what my purpose in life was and what I really want to do. To summarize, I want to do everything I want and most importantly whenever I want. My ultimate goal is to live regardless of time and money. To have constant cash flow without working a 9-5 hour job was and is my dream. I told a girl about these plans and as an effect, I unintentionally make her hope. If I would start a relationship with her it would end badly. Because she would fall in love with a potential version of me. And this shit is dangerous.
To summarize, it does not matter what you guys talk about and how much value is important to you. As long as your guy does not live up to his value, it does not matter what he talks about. And you will not know if he ever lives up to his ideal value. That is why fall in love with the man in front of you as he is, and not his potential. You will save time and spare disappointments.
How to know he is the right one?: #3 Check the standard of his values.
4. Does he changes for his own good, or just for you?
I can describe the ideal relationship in one sentence: “You and me against the world, baby.” Someone who shares your value in importance, priority, and standard is truly a desirable relationship. Whenever you feel down there is your better half to remind you of your goals. In addition, to grow stronger together, and support each other, so you both become untouchable. This is beautiful, isn’t it? But this requires two things, growth, and teamwork.
If you value personal growth, and he does not, there is a low chance that he changes for the good of your relationship. He may initially change, but the reason is the fear of losing you. To change properly, determination, commitment, and valuing personal growth is essential for a long-term change regardless of the status of his love life. If your guy has no interest in growing for his own sake, there is no chance he will change for you.
One of the key areas where growth makes an important entrance is through arguments. Arguments by nature show the weakness of each party. They show a part of people they would rather not admit they have to change. The ideal growth is to work together.
The other value to determine if this relationship can be a long-term relationship is teamwork. It is the value that makes him want to make your relationship better and you happier. Furthermore, it is his belief about teamwork that he knows that every kind of conflict in your relationship can be solved by both of you. If you are insecure about this value, watch his actions. How does he react when you tell him what makes you happier? Does he listen carefully and try to do it? Or does he become defensive and deflect the service because of his ego? When you are in need, does he try to find a solution? Or does he retreat?
As a reminder, it is not about how good he solves your problem or how he makes you happier. Instead, it is about his effort. Because you are a team, you can guide him on how to make you happy. This is the work of being in a relationship, working together to fix things. But you cannot fix his intentions of making you happy or the relationship better in general.
How to know he is the right one?: #4 Check if he puts effort into growing as a team.
Summary – How to know he is the right one
To know if he is the right one, you need to find out if his values match yours in terms of similarity, priority, and standard. As a result, you need to talk a lot, whether it is small talk or a deep conversation. But the goal must be the same, find out the meaning of his values. In addition, you have to observe his actions. Does he live up to his value? Does he wants to grow, make you happy, and want to build a long-lasting relationship? All of this takes a lot amount of time and patience. But it is better to be careful and patient than to lose years of your life.