I still have the opinion that trust is not needed everywhere. Trust makes us weak and vulnerable. And no, you can live a good life without trust. Because in many situations trust is not needed to have fun. Trust is only needed if you want to share something personal with someone. However, be aware of who you are trusting, why you are trusting this person, and for what. Sharing your life just to talk about it without any solution? Nope, not my cup of tea. Sharing your personal moments with someone who you are trying to build a future? Yes, sounds more like a reason to trust. Read more about my thoughts about trust.
Trust in your social environment is only for the weak
For years, I do not trust people. Or should I say, I have never been needing trust at all? Trust for me is a characteristic for weak people only. And I mean what I say. In my environment, people use trust as an excuse to talk bad about other people. Understandable, you need to trust the other people to shut their mouths. In addition to that, trust is needed as a call for help. The scenario of talking about problems just annoys me, especially if guys are talking about their problems. I do not mean a discussion on how to find a solution to a problem. No. I mean the whining kind of talking. When I see people putting themself in the victim role and whining about how cruel the world is, I become mad and angry.
Another reason people use to trust people is to make yourself more important than you actually are. For example, after chatting and talking with a girl, she told me a secret about herself. She adds that she usually does not tell this to someone. “I can trust you, that is why I tell you about this.” This sentence has a sensation of bitterness to it. Because I think differently than most people. I do not think: “Oh wow, I must be a great person that she trusts me that much!” Instead,
In my Opinion: Trust is overvalued in a friendship
As I see it, if you are able to let people live their lives and solve your problems on your own, you are strong. And consequently, you do not need trust at all. Is there another reason to trust someone? The only reason to trust someone is when you are in a relationship. But I will talk about that later.
Someone called me out on this. Saying that I have an issue to trust people. But here again, why do you even need trust at all?
Sidenote: People trust me, but I do not have to trust them
To be clear, a lot of people entrust me with their problems. And I see it as a responsibility to help them. Without this, I would not have this blog. So, people entrust me with their problems and I solve them. Or at least, I listen to them. More importantly, I never exploit their trust in any way. I just shut my mouth. It is not based on mutuality. People trust me but I do not have to trust them.
It is hard to put my thoughts in words. I cannot answer if I have trust issues. I just do not need it anymore. For example, I have not talked about my problems with someone at all. For three years. By that, I mean personal problems. To be fair, there is nothing to talk about because I keep my distance from such problems. But if you ask me: “Do you trust people on a non-business level?” My answer: “I don’t know.”
Trust is called professional responsibility in Business
So, for a long time, I do not have to trust people on a personal level. On a business level, trust has another name: professional responsibility. It is some kind of trust but different. When I work for or with people on a contractless project, it is all based on trust. But even in these situations, I do not use trust as my primary word. Instead, I see it as responsibility. If you have an oral deal, you put yourself, your image, and your reputation on the line. If you fuck up, future opportunities are in danger. That is what I meant with professional responsibility. But in general, trust is not needed as well.
Trust is necessary for Love
After thinking for a long time, trust is absolutely needed in a relationship. There is no way around even though I tried to find a way. But in the end, it is not possible to nurture love without trust. Trust means to open yourself and show your real you without any filter. If both still love each other with the strengths, weaknesses, and quirks, that is true love. I have no issue that my partner will trust me. I am a faithful guy who has never a drug- or gambling addiction, I have never cheated and never treated my partner badly. In addition, I take time to listen to my partner’s daily thoughts and problems. As I mentioned above, people trusting me was never a problem.
The problem is the other way around. Somehow I shun trusting 100% in a partner. And I think the problem is with my past relationships. I am already aware of that. But still, it is way too hard. Let’s go through each one at a time.
Trust is essential for love. Without it, we cannot build a solid relationship with a partner. My parents lived a great example. Well, until they got divorced. But in their 18 years long relationship they trust each other. They share everything. They shared their daily lives together, their concerns, and even their money. In my eyes, this is what a relationship should be. Moreover, I wish it for my next relationship as well. The blind trust in each other. Because I work so hard not only for myself but for her and my future kids as well. There will be no secrets at all. And like my parents I wish to share everything: concerns, happiness, etc. Overall, everything will be transparent and there are no secrets.
Consequently, I will share the rewards I working on today with my future wife. Everything I build is for my family. Not only my kids but also for the next following generation. I want to ensure that my family, my family-in-law, and even the family of my brothers are financially safe for eternity. As a condition, I have to trust my wife a lot. Because it is already hard to build something. So, I entrust my wife to keep track of the finances. For example, how is our financial situation, locating the daily expenses of our family, and the next big cost that we might face? To name a few.
However, my worldview of a perfect relationship was cracked by my mother and my ex-girlfriend.
As you know, our parents unconsciously shape our view of a relationship. And for me, it was no different. My mother cheated on my dad. After the marriage of 18 years, it was over in an instant. She had a new boyfriend and after a huge fight, everything went quite quickly. She moved out, moved in with her boyfriend, and retreated from the restaurant. Besides, she gave up her owner position at the restaurant. After that, they divided their assets. My dad got the restaurant, the car, and the old apartment. My mom gets a small amount of savings and the hotel in Vietnam.
In addition to the divided assets, emotions were destroyed as well. We weren’t a family anymore. Everyone dealt with this situation on their own. I reflected on that and came to a result: divorce is an ugly thing, and both sides are just losing. There is no real winner. Naively I always thought marriage is the only unbreakable force in the universe. Oh man, I was wrong on so many levels.
So, how can I being in a marriage when I know that there is always a chance of divorce? That there is always a chance to lose everything? My kids, my home, the love, and more importantly my businesses? One of the worst imagination is to lose everything I am building right now to my ex-wife. For a time, I really never wanted to have a relationship. I am not able to trust it again. The loss is way too great.
My Past Relationships
Any time in a relationship, I trust my partner. Because I share a lot of deep and emotional things with her. But it was exploited numerous times. One time, I was harassed on a personal level that I question the relationship of ours. In this situation, she told me everything that she hates about me. Why would someone destroys you on the fact of the information you provide them? Is it normal? Does anybody else do it?
Since then, I have never been shown any of my weak sides to anyone. Especially among friends, I keep a lot for myself. The next big moves, next steps, problems, and emotional baggage. In fact, I told you guys more about myself than any of my friends. Not sure if blogging is an art of compensation.
Anyway, I had always and will always tell my girlfriend about everything. Not because I trust them or because of an act to build a better relationship, because she needs to know it. When I am committed to someone, I see her as a part of my life. Everything I do affects us, everything I win, benefits us. Vica versa, I want to know everything she does and thinks. With these pieces of information, we can build a better future. And of course, adjust and adapt if something went wrong.
The Price of Trust
The price for being part of my life is her trust, support, and discretion. And she needs to understand that I will never be honest about my life with others except her. If she sees that I am lying to someone without hesitation, I expect support. I am not sure if this a healthy way of life, to be honest. But that is one of the things I do not want to change. If someone can accept my way of life, I give her everything I have.
As you can see, I put a lot of trust in a partner. On the downside, I risk a lot. With the examples I mentioned before, how can I trust someone that deeply? Of course, there is no guarantee that divorce happens. But on the other hand, also no guarantee that it does not happen. With this thought in mind, it is especially hard to trust a partner. Consequently, every time I think about a relationship, these thoughts got me again. And I distance myself far away from it.
How I found the answers
During the three years of my journey, I carried this burden with me. Trust was not present in my daily life. And I could live with that. In fact, life is easier if you do not have to connect deeply with someone, but lonely. But for the time being, that is what I need to fulfill my dreams.
With time even I could see a problem. This can not continue like this. Because at some point I want a family. So, trusting a partner is a must. So, when I have problems that cannot be solved by books, I ask my mother. She looked sad when I told her my trust issue. With a calm voice, she asked me several questions that resolve them.
1. Do not live your life controlled by fear
First of all, I should not give up one of the most beautiful moments in life because of fear. Fear of something that might happen. Life is hard. We all know that. Relationships are hard, being broke is hard, being successful is hard and being in shape is hard. But here comes the calming idea. We can choose our hard and more importantly we can solve any kind of issue. In the end, she told me that she believes in my strength. Moreover, the man I become over the last few years, makes her confident that I can beat any hardship of life. Thanks, mom.
2. Shift your point of view and see beyond
Secondly, she asked me for whom am I doing all this. Is it for her? For me? No, I am doing all this for the next generations of my family. So, I start to imagine. When a divorce destroys our fortune, house, and feelings, but my kids are mostly unharmed of it, I can deal with it. I am expecting that my ex-wife then, would think about our kids and would spare them. Summarized, as long as my kids can get what I am working on right now, I do not care what I am might lose.
3. Give your all and expect nothing
Thirdly, I should give first before I expect something bad in return. My mother warned me to be too demanding. In other words, how can I expect my partner to be trustworthy when I am not? And she was right on so many levels. If I expect her to leave me, I would not give my all at the start. Moreover, the more I am a loving and caring husband the less the probability that she leaves.
Summary – How to trust again – an entrepreneur’s approach
I still have the opinion that trust is not needed everywhere. Trusting makes us weak and vulnerable. And no, you can live a good life without trust. Because in many situations trust is not needed to have fun. Trust is only needed if you want to share something personal with someone. However, be aware of who you are trusting, why you are trusting this person, and for what. Sharing your life just to talk about it without any solution? Nope, not my cup of tea. Sharing your personal moments with someone who you are trying to build a future? Yes, sounds more like a reason to trust.
Please be aware that people have different intentions why they are trusting people to be able to talk to them. Because we have a different reason to talk (Why women love to talk / Why men do not talk).